Ava has been in a constant back n’ forth between her current school or transitioning to a public school. For full context, her current school is an IB charter school and the curriculum for juniors and seniors is rigorous There are only about 40 or so that actually make it to graduation.
IB schools are primarily academic and less extra curricular. Many kids decide to opt out before entering high school, to take advantage of the programs that most IB schools don’t offer. I started hearing hints of things Ava wanted to do but didn’t have access to. At the same time, she liked being around her friends and was doing very well with her classes. My ex and I felt, you only have 2 years left, you might as well stay and get the IB diploma. In some cases you’re able to skip a year of college, depending on major etc..
Deep down I wanted her to stay for the IB diploma but I also wanted her to be happy.
In my very first post, I briefly talked about the importance of breaking patterns; patterns that are inherited from our parents. When I find myself in a situation that has a direct impact on my kids, I always ask them for their opinion or feedback. I want to hear what they think, their thoughts and how they feel. And in some cases I provide “a choice”. This is something that my ex and I bumped heads on early in our marriage. He never understood why I would ask our then 6yr old Zoe what she would like for dinner. Its not like I gave her a menu to choose from other than 2 choices; chicken nuggets or hot dogs. Moms of picky eaters will tell you that getting a child to eat what’s in front of them is like herding cats…impossible. For me it was important that she felt empowered to make the choice. It also allowed for a much quiet dinnertime.
As parents, we are constantly reminded of what our mothers or fathers would do. For dinner I was forced to eat pea soup, something that no child should be forced to eat in IMO. I don’t think my ex understood what I was trying to do and saw it as me bending. I saw it as an opportunity to communicate, something my mother never did with me.
Some of us may also feel that if I had to eat whatever was on the table when I was child. Then so do my children. If I didn’t have choice when I was growing up, why should my children? Why do we have to replicate behaviors of our parents simply because we endured the same? Are we trying to validate how we were treated by inflicting the same on our children?
As I continue my discussion with Ava and we entertain both ideas, IB or public school. I’m left with a little PTSD from my childhood. I know exactly what my mom would of done in this situation. She would of done whatever was convenient for her and disregarded what I would have wanted. My mother rarely if ever asked how I felt, or what I thought. And on the rare occassion that she did, if the answers given were not aligned with her thoughts I would be immediately shamed for it.
I continued to keep our conversation open while also applying light pressure. I knew that she had to make a decision soon if she was going to make the transition in time for the Fall.
Yesterday, as we drove home Ava made her decision. She decided to make the transition to public school. She said she specifically wants to take advantage of programs geared towards graphic arts, programs that are not offered at her IB school. Secretly, I’m happy as I was not looking forward to car pooling 3 kids to 3 different schools!
Life however doesn’t always allow these decisions to be made easily with children in mind. Divorce, jobs, moving out of state, all can be life changing decisions that sometimes must made with little input from children.
If you ask your children what they think and how they feel. It will open the lines of communication a little more. Even if its difficult to discuss, hearing how they feel will allow you both to understand the other maybe more than you thought.
We can’t raise our children, especially our girls to be independent if we truly don’t support “independent thinking”. Independent thinking is thinking without shame, nor judgement. Its being true to yourself in every way and not being afraid to express or say what you are thinking.
It takes consistent practice, sometimes repetition to get your child to open up. Don’t give up. Keep asking those open-ended questions. You may be surprised by the answers if you listen.
