I don’t think as parents we truly know nor understand how our actions can have a lasting impact on our children’s lives. I didn’t give my childhood much thought until I went into therapy. I mostly kept it locked away, like Pandora’s Box, afraid to open, fearful of letting out something which I would not be unable to harness or control. When you’ve suffered trauma, in any form, you want to forget. You dissociate from that thing or person who has hurt you the most. Maybe you say things like, oh it wasn’t that bad, or at least I didn’t get beat all the time. You say just about anything to soften the blows. Its a defense mechanism and there for a reason. Dissociation allows us to cope without having to fully process what has happened.
Unfortunately, continuing to dissociate yourself from the abuse will not allow you to grow or to break the patterns of behavior that are keeping you from living your best life. Think of it as hiding from the playground bully. No matter how many times you may hide eventually the bully will catch up to you.
Childhood abuse can be subtle and indirect. When we think of abuse we often think of the physical kind but there’s also the kind that hides, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It uses tactics like shame, manipulation, ridicule and even gaslighting as fuel for the fire.
Emotional Abuse vs Emotional Neglect
To best describe the differences between the two, abuse is intentional (action) neglect unintentional (lack of action). Both cause harm but its the emotional abuse that can have the most damaging effects.
Emotional ridicule, humiliation, name calling, threatening to leave, silient treatment, mean and hateful looks
Neglect not attending to needs, emotionally checked-out, failing to provide care due to lack of knowledge
The big distinction between abuse and neglect, is that abusive parents lack the ability to empathize with their children, they fail to emotionally connect. And their intent is to cause harm; either through manipulation, or shame. Neglectful parents are not mean and have no intentions on harming their children, but they fall short in their capacity to be emotionally attuned to their child’s needs. They lack the experience and/or knowledge. Think of a teenage mom or a mom who is emotionally checked out. I think most new parents, including myself, have been guilty of emotionally checking out. Having the awareness of self and becoming more attuned with your child overtime can help combat the patterns of neglect.
Processing the Trauma Processing pain and trauma from your childhood is more than hard and at times can feel overwhelming and almost impossible to do. You will feel broken and like you are in pieces rather than whole. It will take time to piece together broken pieces of yourself to make them whole again. This takes consistent practice, patience and grace on your part.
Steps to Peace Journaling: writing down everything you feel and think. Good and bad. This is the first and most crucial step in honoring and recognizing your voice. It’s also where you get the opportunity to say how you truly feel, with no fear of judgement or shame.
Therapy: if you can find a therapist to help aid in the process. Therapy is your anchor, its your foundation to your “new self”. If you cannot find a therapist due to lack of coverage or insurance, there are books on emotionally absent parents, borderline parents, etc..
Laugh: it may be hard but I’ve found putting on your favorite funny movie or stand up comedian is the best remedy for your soul and body. Trauma can affect your body and is attributed to illness and disease. Pivoting to something lighter will provide a much needed break from the sadness. When you’re ready you can continue with your process.
Take Your time: you will begin to see over time a shift in perspective. In how you see things, how you speak and react to others. The shift is the updated version of “self”. You may even gain and/or loose friendships, or family because of this shift.
And that’s okay. You are shedding what no longer serves you.
