On Friday I received a long winded text from my ex. I’ve become immune to these messages, like nails on a chalkboard that I seldom if ever immediately open them. However, I knew at quick glance this was gonna be a “test”.
Without providing too much detail, my divorce like so many others was filled with deceit, lies and manipulation. To avoid a trial, I had to enter mediation or I would of never been able to receive child support. To say that divorce can leave you scarred and battered and not trusting of others is an “understatement”. Especially if you are unable to sever ties completely and are forced to co-parent with your ex. It can feel like navigating a mine field without an end in sight. To help guide you through this terrain, you’re forced to rely on your gut, intuition and past experiences. I knew shortly after the divorce that boundaries would not only be necessary but an essential component in our “new” relationship.
I had no idea what a boundary was until I entered therapy. Upon listening to my story my therapist one day said calmly, “Kimberly you don’t have any boundaries”. Like a child raising her hand on the first day of school I quickly asked, “Boundaries, what are boundaries”? Looking back I now realize how vulnerable and unprotected I was.
Boundaries are not formulated out of thin air. They are not born without reason, or feeling. They originate from painful situations that overtime produce feelings of shame, and inadequacy. Boundaries are meant to shield you from these feelings. Its a wall of defense surrounding a vulnerable city…..YOU.
My ex has been wanting to come inside my home since the divorce and I refuse to let him in. Yes, he has invited me into his home when there are birthday celebrations. And yes, I do realize that he doesn’t have to do that. But this is my boundary and mine alone.
And that’s the beauty about boundaries. They are formed by you and for YOU. They are your protection.
The Cycle of Boundaries The Statement: Stating the boundary and the why behind are essential for laying out the foundation. It has to be a clear and concise message. My ex is not allowed in my home because of the insensitive remarks made towards my home.
Implementing the boundary: This is the hardest part of establishing the boundary…actually implementing it. Enforcing the boundary can be scary at first. Again, think of a wall protecting a city. The forces at will, will do anything, say anything to get you to relinquish your “boundary”. They will for look for weakness and vulnerable areas within the walls to try and penetrate your city. Common things to look for: playing victim, making you feel guilty, like you are doing something wrong, or worse using the children to get what they want.
Wall of Defense: Second to implementing, keeping the line of defenses up is critical to maintaining your boundary. The city of Troy was defeated because of a Trojan horse. If your wall of defense is not secure, overtime weakness will be found. Don’t let a Trojan horse (playing victim or any of above tactics) be the breach that breaks your wall of defense.
Release or Maintain: This stage is subjective and up to the person implementing the boundary…YOU. With time you will realize that perhaps the boundary is no longer needed. Or maybe with time you will realize, nope, it is definitely needed.
The back n’ forth with my ex was relatively short. I made it clear why the boundary is there and why it will remain. I am anticipating childish blow back. And that’s okay.
What matters most is that my home will remain safe. I will remain safe.
The walls will remain, the defenses will still hold.
