Most of us are sleep walking through our adult lives, repeating patterns of abusive behavior. Whether it’s intentional or unintentional, self inflicted or towards others, we’re on auto-pilot unaware of what we do. This is pretty easy to do especially when we’ve had a very good teacher… Mother.
What is “Unmothered”?
Google defines “Unmothered” as to be motherless but it’s so much more. It’s receiving enough good mother messages, but not enough to sustain healthy relationships or a healthy view of “self”. Sometimes even receiving good mother messages can be few and far in between. Many of us, including myself, are just grateful to have survived mother’s wrath. My mother neglected to offer support and guidance during my most vulnerable years. I clearly remember when I reached puberty how scared I was to tell her. I was afraid of what she would say and didn’t want to make her angry, annoyed or frustrated. This fear I had is equivalent to “walking on eggshells”. Overtime you become so hypervigilant that you anticipate the worst and brace yourself for impact. When I finally gathered the courage to tell her, she promptly said, “You know what to do. The sanitary products are underneath the cabinet.” That’s it. There was never a discussion on my body or how to care for myself.
I was provided with basic care: shelter, food, and clothing.
Some animals, depending on the species are with their young for years. They form pods including extended family members, all helping to raise their young. Their babies are nurtured and cared for. Yet, there are other animals like the sea turtle who’s sole responsibility is just to lay eggs. Once the baby turtle emerges, it’s forced to make the dangerous journey to the ocean. A fraction of them make it.
Our experience and everything that we’ve been taught and guided to do comes from Mother. When it comes to confidence, self esteem and how we manage relationships Mother is ground zero.
I want to preface that there is no such thing as a “perfect” parent. All parents are flawed. Mistakes happen and can happen often. What’s important though isn’t necessarily the mistake but how we respond and show up after. I’ve apologized countless times to my children when I’ve neglected to be mindful.
Apologizing reinforces empathy and connection between mother and child. It allows the child to feel seen and heard.
The Neglectful Mother – Checked Out: Some mothers are emotionally absent, checked out and can barely provide the basics. They don’t intentionally mean any harm, but are unaware of their actions and its potential consequences. These moms are doing the best with what they have.
The Hurtful Mother – Intentional: Mothers who know right from wrong yet intentionally cause harm through verbal or physical actions can be very damaging. Withholding affection or giving the silent treatment can also be harmful. These actions have the most damaging effects on children, especially as they mature into adults. Children of hurtful mothers will struggle to form relationships and to keep those relationships. They will also struggle with their identity, confidence, and developing a healthy view of “self”.
Unmothered Traits
The following are my top eight (8) “Unmothered” traits that can occur from the result of neglect and/or abuse. These traits have a direct impact on how you care for yourself. They can also transcend into how you form and manage your relationships.
- Attachment: Are you clingy, and insecure in your relationships? Or do you avoid attachment? Do you bounce from one partner to the next? Attachment is how well mother responds and is attuned to their child’s needs from very early on (infancy). Secure attachment feels safe. Insecure attachment is feeling fearful.
- Replicating Mother bond relationships (trauma bonding): Are you with someone that reminds you of your Mother? It’s normal and expected for us to bond with someone who is abusive if they remind us Mother. It’s familiar to us and it’s what we know.
- Feeling of never good enough: Perfectionism and criticism, “If I could only be good enough”
- Low sense of self / Low self esteem: Not feeling seen, or valued. Not feeling loved. Lack of encouragement and support.
- Highly Sensitive Person (HSP): About 15-20% of the population falls within the HSP spectrum. The feeling of constantly being on high alert, or walking on eggshells. You may become so attuned to what others feel, including their motivations that it can be overwhelming. HSP’s may develop into Empaths, when the feelings are so constant that they become unconscious, and involuntary.
- Difficulty processing feelings: Was not encouraged to freely express yourself for fear of ridicule, shame or physical harm. Has difficulty regulating emotions, and communicating feelings in relationships.
- Difficulty advocating for needs and asking for help: You struggle to advocate for yourself. Accepting help from others is challenging. This is because you were looked upon as a burden and a chore.
- Feeling disempowered: Feeling of not have enough support, not a healthy sense of self, or healthy entitlement around needs.
Recognizing that Something is Wrong
It will be difficult to acknowledge that something is wrong. Getting to the root cause requires mindfulness and the ability to be fully be open. It also requires digging deep, and that will trigger painful memories. It would be helpful to keep a journal for this exercise and record what you are experiencing.
Asking the Right Questions
What are the similarities between then (childhood) and now (present)?
How does recalling these memories make you feel?
Do you feel a tinge or a pulling in your chest? Where is this coming from?
How and what do you Feel?
Asking these questions can help you get closer to the root cause of your feelings. Sometimes though just feeling can be the hardest part. My memories include hitting, raging, shaming and judgment. These memories are difficult to process and remember but with time it has gotten allot easier.
It’s important that we get to the heart of the issue so we can begin to re-build and “remother” ourselves one piece at a time. Doing so means we become a better version of ourselves and the person we were meant to be.
