Its taken me some time to formulate my thoughts for this post. Yesterday, I made the decision to initiate an “income withholding order”. My ex is nearing 3 months behind in child support payments. For 2 years now, I’ve let it slide. Occasionally I would sheepishly ask, afraid to confront him and eventually move on. If you’ve been in an emotional abusive relationship, either with a parent, a spouse or significant other, you get used to “walking on eggshells”. It’s how you communicate and manage the relationship. That feeling doesn’t just go away. It stays with you and becomes a part of your routine. And when you have to act on something, anything, that feeling can develop into full blown anxiety and FEAR.
When you walk on eggshells, you’re careful not to break any shells and brace yourself for the impact in case you do. This hyper vigilance behavior creates an immense amount of anxiety and FEAR. Something that I’ve been managing for most of this week.
FEAR – getting past it
One of my favorite definitions for FEAR is: False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear is an emotion, a feeling, that’s it. Nothing more. But what happens when our FEAR is grounded in actual history? What if we have very good reasons to be fearful of a person, or thing. How can we begin to move past those fears so that we can overcome our anxiety and forge ahead?
We don’t get to skip the line to avoid the wait. Some things are unavoidable. Like traffic, or long lines. We would love to skip or jump ahead but we can’t. We have to sit and deal. It’s uncomfortable and annoying. Yet, we are forced to endure to get to our final destination. The same is true about FEAR. We have to get through it and move past our anxiety to get to where we want to be. There are no short cuts or skipping the line.
What If……Thinking of “What If” scenarios can actually add to your anxiety and fears. There are a many of reasons why I hesitated to initiate the order. The uncertainty of what will happen if I do vs what will happen if I don’t can make anyone feel like they’re in their worst SAT nightmare. Rather than put yourself through mental anguish. Ask yourself, What’s the price if I do NOTHING? For me, not pursuing the order was simply not an option. Despite my FEAR, the outcome was more important than anticipating what he may or may not do.
The price we pay when we do nothing can be far greater than the act itself.
The Finish Line – Mountain Top
Keeping your eye on the prize, or the end goal will provide a focus point. The “goal” is a guide to keep you on track and on course. For me, it was child support. That was my goal and my focus. Thinking of anything else would of made it more difficult to stay the course.
Not thinking about the aftermath, and the fall out is hard to do. Especially when you’re dealing with someone who has a history of being controlling and manipulative. And that’s where the fear comes in. We spend so much time thinking about “What If” scenarios that we loose sight of the finish line.
Again, the price we pay when we do nothing can be far greater than the act itself.
The Fallout When We Don’t Advocate for Ourselves
We don’t realize the hidden messages we send to those who harm us. By not doing anything. Not speaking up and not acting in our best interests we are saying “it’s okay”. By me doing NOTHING and continuing to allow things to slide sends a message….that it’s okay.
What messages are we sending our children when we’ve been brought up to believe that advocating for ourselves is selfish. The bullies that were on the playground, have now transitioned into the workplace and are all around us. This is why some people shine in certain situations while others struggle. It’s no surprise that my ex has no problems advocating for himself or speaking up. Advocating for yourself is similar to implementing a boundary. People who continue to challenge your boundaries are reinforcing why they are there and needed in the first place.
Advocating for yourself takes time and practice. At first it will feel awkward. Like someone jumping in front of the line awkward. It feels weird to speak up. To raise your hand. If you’re struggling with confidence you will feel off at first. But with time and practice you will get better at raising your hand.
We are or own best advocates. No one can do this better than us. The more we begin to advocate for ourselves and speak up. The easier it will be to manage our FEAR and our anxiety.
