I didn’t know what Parallel Parenting was until my therapist recommended “The Parallel Parenting Solution, Eliminate Conflict with Your Ex, Create the Life You Want” by Carl Knickerbocker, JD. My divorce was still new and fresh like a wall of smelly paint. And I was desperately trying to find help, ideally, a roadmap to help navigate this “new” terrain. You won’t know if Parallel Parenting is an option until you’ve been in a high-conflict relationship. One that involves toxicity, control and manipulation.
Reality Check ……”We Are Not Those People”
Before the divorce, I tried to keep the one thing that brought us together. Our friendship. I was quickly reminded that wouldn’t be possible.
“We are not those people”, he said one day. For context, we were discussing sleeping arrangements. I would sleep in Zoe’s room. He would stay in our bedroom until we announced to the children. Because it was my decision to divorce, he felt I should be banished to our daughter’s room as punishment. As I look back, the pettiness of it all still amazes me.
“We are not those people”, he said again. “Gwyneth and what’s his name”, he continued to say, “We are not those people”, he repeated.
He was referring to Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. It was slightly amusing when he said it but also sad at the same time. Sad because I very much wanted us to be like “those people”. Why? Because despite everything that had happened. Despite the shame, judgment, control, and manipulation. I still wanted us to stay friends. Our friendship, so I thought, would allow us to get through this. And most of all, it would afford us the ability to co-parent our children.
The conscious “uncoupling” statement made by Gwyneth, to announce her separation was ridiculed and mocked by mostly everyone. Including myself. Sometimes, we fail to realize the significance of an action, or statement, until we are faced with similar circumstances. And up until then, I hadn’t realized its significance. For me, it was important to try and make this “new normal” feel as normal as possible. Not just for us but for our children.
I realized that any hope for us to be friends was just that….hope. And nothing more.
I’m envious of those marriages which end quietly and peacefully. Sadly, that was not my experience.
I realized during this tumultuous time that people don’t change.
They only evolve into the best or worse version of themselves.
The control and manipulation never went away and only escalated during the divorce and mediation.
What is Parallel Parenting?
Co-parenting operates under a “should” philosophy. Meaning, there is judgment and emphasis around what you “should” do vs what you “should not” do. The problem with Co-parenting is that it doesn’t take into account your reality. Co-parenting assumes that we are dealing with mentally sound rationale people. Co-parenting doesn’t take into account another persons motives or protect the parent who is being covertly abused and quietly silenced.
Parallel Parenting, takes the “should” out of the equation and allows each parent to parent autonomously. Two separate homes function like two separate homes. There is no “enmeshment” or combining of rules. There is no asking what the other parent thinks or wants. This allows each parent to have 100% say in how they manage their home. For me this was a total game changer coming out of my divorce.
For Parallel Parenting to work successfully, boundaries will have to be implemented and ENFORCED. If you are coming out of an high-conflict marriage and/or divorce, implementing these boundaries could be a challenge. Be ready for your ex to push back and test your boundaries.
Boundaries in Parallel Parenting
- communicate only about the children
- don’t provide any personal details on you
- keep all communication in writing (nothing verbal)
- stick to the schedule (whatever your visitation schedule is stick to it, don’t deviate)
- include “all” boundaries within the divorce decree. For ex: drop offs/pick ups are at my ex’s home. He is not allowed to come to my home
Old Habits are HARD to Break
It takes practice, discipline and consistency to enforce boundaries. You don’t realize how much of your “old” self still remains after your divorce. Just because the divorce is over doesn’t mean you forget. The PTSD is still there. And patterns of “old” behavior don’t just go away over night. It will take time to overcome: people pleasing, walking on egg shells, and other similar like responses tied to abuse.
Challenges of Parallel Parenting
What happens when you have a situation where you MUST communicate more frequently? Or maybe you are concerned on what your ex is doing when the children are not with you?
Parallel Parenting requires enforcement and letting go. Enforcement because there will be times when you MUST communicate with your ex. When this happens you may be tempted to let down your guard. This was my experience when we had to remove our son from his Charter School due to his ADHD. I found myself periodically letting my guard down and routinely calling my ex. Unfortunately, when this happens enmeshment can and will occur. In the heat of the moment, we sometimes forget who we are dealing with. We assume everyone has best intentions. Abusers will and can take advantage of you when you are at your weakest. A reset of boundaries will be needed when this occurs.
There will be times, sometimes many, when you will hear things from your children that may not agree with. Maybe your ex goes to McDs too much. Or maybe he doesn’t do laundry and sends the dirty laundry with the children. You have to let some things GO. As long they are safe and the bare minimum is provided….food, shelter and safety that’s what is important. If any of these minimums are violated getting the courts or authorities involved may be needed.
It can be a challenge to operate in this fashion and remain silent. Especially, when you hear how the other parent is behaving. Still, Parallel Parenting is the preferred option when dealing with a high-conflict ex. It ensures there is no compromising. No walking on “egg shells” or “people pleasing” for the others benefit.
Staying the Course
It’s easy to slip back into behavior that is familiar to you. That was my experience up until a few months ago. I have had to reset my boundaries with my ex and now keep communication to the bare minimum. I frequently communicate with my children when they are with their dad just not him.
Mistakes will happen. I’m sure at some point I will slip up…..hopefully though not for awhile.
If you can, resist the urge to pick up the phone. Only provide information that is absolutely necessary. You think you’re doing the right thing. But it’s the right thing for him and not necessarily the right thing for YOU.
