During my marriage, we decided to take a parenting class to help manage our son. In case you are new to my blog, my son was diagnosed with ADHD and a Mood Disorder at 5yrs old. Before he reached elementary school he had already been kicked out of six (6) pre-schools. I have an immense amount of empathy for any parent going through similiar circumstances.
The class was a series of sessions, spanning several weeks, focused on parenting techniques. One in particular that stuck with me the most was the thermostat vs thermometer approach. I think most parents are reactive when it comes to their kids, especially the terrible two’s, three’s…..and we can’t forget about the teens. But, when it comes to special needs kids…. our reactions, depending on the situation can be more so. We react before we think and then have regret later. I’ve learned this the hard way when managing my son and dealing with the countless school suspensions and communication with teachers.
I’ve reserved this approach just for parenting purposes but recently realized that maybe I could also use this approach for situations and people in my life.
Thermostat’s regulate
How we react to people, situations and anything that may affect us has a direct correlation to the amount of stress we put on ourselves. We get heart palpitations, our chest becomes warm, our palms sweaty. And before we know it, cortisol is racing through our system increasing the fight or flight response. We don’t realize through our reactions that we are putting more stress on our body physically and mentally. We become consumed and get caught up in what was said or what was done that we react before we think.
The Cost of Winning
We react because we have something to say. A point to prove. It’s always secretly affirming to prove that YOU are right and that they are wrong.
The difference between an argument and a disagreement is one is trying to win, and the other is trying to solve.
Although it is easy to get caught up in the moment and get sucked into a fiery exchange you must ask yourself. At what cost? There is a false perception that by reacting we are in control.
By reacting we are creating energy for that “thing” to continue and potentially spiral out of control. We also form an attachment to the situation which prohibits us from “Letting Go” and moving on. Your mind and body become stuck in this negative cycle of energy. That the longer you stay there the more difficult it is to come back to reality. This is true for every road rage incident we see, or parents lashing out at their kids in public.
The Power of Choice
We cannot control a job loss, or our child getting suspended. BUT we can control how we react and respond. Self regulating our emotions, essentiaily becoming a thermostat, allows us more control over the situation and more control over ourselves. We are able to think clearly and rationally. I know I have apologized to my children many times for how I reacted when frustrated, tired or angry. It takes practice, discipline and time but it can be achieved.
When you are able to self regulate, when you’ve reached that milestone you will feel a shift. You will feel more empowered and in control. This is not to say that things or people will no longer annoy you. They most certainly will still be there, but how you react is key. For anyone that is struggling in a divorce, difficult co worker, or health issue, once you make the shift to change how you react it will empower you.
Your Manifesto
To help me change my mindset to how I respond to situations and people, I’ve created my own personal Manifesto. I highly recommend creating one for yourself. It will provide clarity, and meaning to your purpose. I recite this every morning. It keeps be grounded in my Faith and my hopes for the future.
I promise to keep my mind and heart closed to negative thoughts and messages.
I promise to not interact or engage with people who are cruel and insensitive.
I promise to remove hurtful dialogue within myself that may perpetuate my pain.
I promise to openly speak about my fears with my sisterhood community.
I promise to remind myself daily of who I am.
That I am a Child of God and that through Him anything and everything is possible.
I sincerely hope this is helpful to someone who may be struggling this week. Wether it’s with a difficult person or situation. The Manifesto is your declaration, it’s your promise to YOU.
