From Rage to Calm: Transforming Parenting Habits

Yesterday was my son’s birthday. Preston turned a mighty 14 years old! Watching him blow out his candles reminded me of all the years that have passed, the funny moments and not so funny moments. His first set of stitches or his first in school suspension, and there were quite a few of those, can make birthday celebrations feel almost bittersweet. However, for those of us who were “unmothered” it can also be a painful reminder of where we came from. We like to think that we are nothing like our abusers. How many times have you said that you’ll never be like her? Or that you would never treat your child the way your mother treated you? That you would do better, that you would be better. Maybe you recited these affirmations so often that they became part of your daily routine like brushing your teeth. Unfortunately, affirmations and mantras will not fix nor prevent you from becoming your mother. Acknowledgement, and knowing that there is a problem is the first step in re-parenting and correcting your behavior.

It can take time to recognize your behavior and to understand your triggers. To do so, you must take a step back and analyze objectively but honestly. My mother at random would rage but she mostly raged when she was inpatient or when things wouldn’t go her way. I always felt like I was walking on egg shells for I never knew how she would react from one minute to the next. Early when Preston was very young, I too would rage, and become inpatient. During these moments, I knew, I felt something wasn’t right but I also felt oddly comfortable with it. I felt comfortable because it was familiar to me. That’s how I grew up and so it seemed normal to act this way, even though it didn’t feel normal.

With each rage I had to ask myself, why am I raging? And what purpose is this serving? Neither myself or Preston felt good after. So why am I still continuing to parent this way? My mother raged all the time and there was never a rhyme or reason to her tantrums. Yet, because I grew up walking on egg shells, that was all I knew. I had to make a conscious decision to not only acknowledge what I was doing but to actively take steps to change my behavior. I also had to change how I react to situations. Which were my triggers.

Some of the things I did in the beginning was to take allot of breaks or “time outs” for myself. I removed myself from the situation and walked away. Doing this allowed me to diffuse the situation and reset. I also realized that I was calmer which then allowed me to be more mindful and present. When you are able to do this you can feel more empowered because you now have control over the situation simply by controlling how you respond.

How we behave in situations, how we react to moments creates patterns in our behavior. Think of several times when you lost it and why. Is there a recurring theme? Breaking these patterns can be the most difficult thing to do as an adult child who has survived childhood trauma. Initially, you may feel awkward, like something is out of place. I know I did when I stopped raging. Something felt a miss. But overtime, with practice you get better at it. Like tying your shoes or learning to ride a bike. You can’t correct these patterns until you acknowledge, recognize and accept your behavior. Sometimes, it can take an incident to make you see that the person you are becoming is the one person who has hurt you the most.

Do you know your triggers? What strategies have you implemented to help in how you respond to these triggers?